Current Mood: Content

One of these days I’m going to blog more…but I’ve said that many many times in the past…and it doesn’t really work. But I figured it was high time I posted one. A lot has happened the last few weeks…I’ve broke up with Daniel. It wasn’t easy and it’s still not easy. He’s been talking to me, I think hoping we’ll get back together, but I really just want him to give me space. So the other day I finally told him I wanted to focus on myself (and Emma). And I think he realized just how permanent this is becoming.

I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I really think I wanna move away, I’m not saying clear cross country…but I want distance between me and my overly close-knit family. A huge part of me feels like this isn’t where I need to be. I know that might be kind of stupid and lacking any real substance, but for me it’s a strong enough feeling that I know it’s true.

I don’t know exactly what/where I’m suppose to be, hell I don’t even know where to start, I just know that I need to get out and find it. My mom drives me crazy, she is always saying that I won’t like being away from family, she’s been there and she didn’t. I may not like it, but how am I suppose to know if I don’t try. I mean it’s not like it’s something I can just pick up and do whenever I want. It’s going to take some time to figure out where to go or what to do, and I have to take Emma into consideration. So it’s definitely not like I’m going to be all “Well I’m moving 3 hours away, mom, see you later.” No it doesn’t work like that.

And I met one of my favorite authors this past weekend, Meg Cabot, and she had something very meaningful to say. She talked about how life is so unpredictable and you don’t know what’s going to happen, so if there’s something you really want to do, then you need to do it. I strongly believe this. There are many things I really want to do and I don’t know what’s in store for me, so I’ve decided I want to try my best to do the things I really want to do in life.

I can only hope that it all works out for me.

I’m really very tired of so much right now. I’ve been questioning mine and Daniel’s relationship for probably a year or so. We’ve been together for 4 years and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together, I think that is probably the biggest reason we’ve stayed together so long. I think there were red flags in the beginning, but I was naive and didn’t notice them. And to this day I don’t think I could do anything differently, because I have my beautiful daughter, and I wouldn’t trade her in for anything.

First off, he was leaving a 4 year relationship and moving directly into a new relationship (with me). They had a 3 year old together (he is 7 now) and I had never been in a relationship before him. Secondly, about 2 months into our relationship I found out that his ex was 4 1/2 months pregnant…and I hadn’t even learned that from him. He had told me he’d only known for a couple weeks and hadn’t known when to break it to me. I later found out that he knew she was pregnant when he left her. And lastly I ended up pregnant 7 months into our relationship and even though I have Emmalyn now and wouldn’t want to change that, I know that we moved to fast too quickly. I also later found out that his ex had gotten pregnant within the first year of their relationship.

And for about the past year, I’ve been questioning everything. We seem to fight all the time now. He makes a big deal when I want to hang out with my best friend (whom I blew off for the first 2-3 years of our relationship). He plays WoW ALL DAY LONG. I am not exaggerating when I say this. He even gets on the game on his hour lunches! I also haven’t been able to like his mother since the first year of our relationship.

When we first got together I liked his mom. She seemed really nice, but fairly quickly I discovered how much she controlled his life. And that control continues to this day. His mother has every say in Tyler (his 7 year old), and I feel that’s ridiculous because he is his dad, not her. Recently, his ex is talking about moving to Texas and taking her boys with her (she has 3, 2 are Daniels). Well HIS MOTHER was telling his ex that she should just give custody of Tyler over to HER (not Daniel). Um does that sound right to you?? NO. I don’t know 100% but I’m pretty sure that Daniel’s mother put a FREAKING GUILT TRIP on a 7 YEAR OLD BOY. Why do I say this?

Tyler had been okay with moving to Texas one day, but a few days later, when Tyler was with Daniel’s mother, he was suddenly not okay moving with his mother. And apparently he got so upset that he PEED HIS PANTS! Seriously? I highly doubt a 7 year old is going to be able to think about the move enough to make himself pee his pants. So I’m almost certain that Daniel’s damn mother was telling him all kinds of sad things like how he’d never get to see her, or how he’d never get to see his sister, and so forth that he got so upset about it and peed his pants. THAT’S NOT RIGHT in my book. Tyler’s mother has custody of him and Daniel doesn’t even spend but 4-8 hours A MONTH with him, so he has NO RIGHT to make him want to stay here.

And then today, Daniel calls my mom and ask if she’ll watch Tyler for a few hours until he got off. Of course my mother’s not going to say no. Well when Daniel’s mother (who picked up Tyler last night) dropped him off with a change of clothes…oh apparently he was spending the night. Did Daniel ask if I was okay with this? No he didn’t. And you might think that sounds wrong, well it would be except for the simple fact that Daniel works on weekends….meaning that tonight he’s spending a whole hour maybe with him until he puts him to bed. And tomorrow? He might see him for a few before he goes to work, he’ll probably see him again on his hour lunch break, but guess what? He’ll get off work…come pick him up and then take him home. And I’m pretty sure that he only did this because HIS DAMN MOTHER puts a guilt trip on him about not spending time with his son and blah blah blah. So he makes ME babysit when Tyler DOESN’T behave at all! I spend most of the day getting on him! So how is this fair to me? IT ISN’T!

And to make things all the worse? He gets an attitude when I talk about hanging out with people, wanting to know why I don’t hang out with him. The reason I don’t want to hang out with him is because he thinks it can always be just me and him, like we don’t need a social life or friends. Well I’m sorry but I do. You might ask why I don’t spend time with him AND friends…the reason is because HE IS SO FREAKING BORING! He doesn’t talk to anyone really, and he just sits there.

Then on a more personal matter: He hasn’t gotten any in probably at least a year and he makes a big deal about it. Well I’m sorry I don’t want to have sex with you because well you suck at it and I really don’t know about our relationship anymore. I don’t feel the fire or the so in love feeling anymore. I feel like I’m safe from heartbreak but so unhappy. I feel like the only thing keeping us together is Emma. And not to mention to more times he complains about it the more I’m going to pull away. And when I ask your opinion about whether he thinks this or that swim suit top will fit, I don’t want to hear, “I don’t know I haven’t seen them in a while…” DAMMIT that’s not what I was asking, jackass!

And one last note in this GIGANTIC vent:

IF I WANNA LOOK GOOD AND ANOTHER GUY LOOKS AT ME YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY BECAUSE I’M GOING HOME WITH YOU NOT HIM.

I am a horrible blogger…I know. I guess it could be that I don’t ever have anything really interesting to say…Not a lot has been happening. I’m so glad Christmas is over, work is almost back to normal. I am only working 24 hrs this week (3 days) which any other time would be awful, but with how crazy Christmas was, I can’t complain. A break will be nice…as long as they don’t keep cutting my hours that is.

It’s 2011…Crazy…don’t feel like it I know. Emma will be 3 years old in 6 months! I can’t believe she’s growing up so fast on me. She’s getting more and more spoiled by the day…and definitely not just from me…I’m worried she’ll turn out like those kids that want something at Wal-Mart but you tell them no and they start screaming. I really really hope she doesn’t become like that.

So honestly that’s really all I have to say. I know my life is ah so entertaining…not. It’s time for a nap with Emma.

BTW #kpopownstwitter because SpaceBigStar Kim Hee Chul is trending again…he never seizes to amaze us!

I haven’t blogged in a while, sorry. Blame it on the K-Pop! LOL I’m completely hooked on it (and going to South Korea). I guess I’m hooked on the Culture as a whole (and Super Junior *cough*) I’ve been pulled into the Korean Wave…lol. I’m dead set on going to South Korea one day soon (aiming for as soon as possible) which will probably be when I can save up a good $3500 lol

I’m trying to win a contest to win a trip to Korea for 2 (flying business class) for 1 week, but I’m pretty far behind. What you do is create a Dream 1-day itinerary, then you share it with friends/family/etc and get them to “Like” and/or “Tweet” it, and your popularity goes up, if you’re ranked #1 at the end of the contest you win! Easy? Yea if you have a bunch of friends or a really popular site (which I don’t lol). But I’m not giving up til the end If you want to help me out you’re more than welcome to! My 1-Day Dream Korea Itinerary

And while I’m on the subject of Korea and K-Pop, I’ve totally gotten my BFF hooked on it and KDrama! She has to finish My Girl (SBS) and as soon as she’s done with that we’re jumping right into BOYS OVER FLOWERS! Yes! I have to wait for it to come in, but since it’ll still be a bit before she finishes My Girl, BoF should be in by then…at least I hope, it’s been almost 2 weeks…but it’s coming from Hong Kong, so it may be delayed (with security and what not) so who knows.

So we had our Florida vacation last week. I think we took some of the Missouri weather with us…and sent some Florida up, we’re pretty sure it was warmer here than Florida! Grr. It was a nice vacation though, I didn’t have worry about getting up and going to work yay! We aren’t going to have a very smooth relationship with my new sister-in-law though. She’s good about making us look like we’re trying to anti-social and what not, when in reality she’s the one that’s being anti-social. All well. My brother loves her…and what happens with them is between them.

Work has been about the same…working my ass off everyday and not getting paid enough! But I think that relates to 90% of us…

Why are people so rude? Tonight at work I had to scrub poop off the carpet because someone had scrapped their shoe off. I mean really? If you realize you have poop on your shoe, go outside and get it off. I gagged trying to get it off. I just don’t understand why people do that.

So I showed the MV Bonamana by Super Junior to several people at work and a good 3 or 4 of them actually like it too even though none of us speak Korean lol. I’ve decided my favorite: Kyuhyun. It took me a while to pick one out because there’s 10 active members and 3 inactive. I came across a “remix” of Bonamana in which Kyuhyun, Donghae, Yesung, Sungmin, and Ryeowook performed the song and that’s where I “fell in love” with Kyuhyun! Here’s the YouTube video:

I love his solo at 3:06. I did like Sungmin in this video because he was so energetic, more than the others, but Kyuhyun is still my favorite.

Taelur and Bobbi asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with them on Friday (the only time I’ve been invited by someone at work) but I have to close by myself Friday night which sucks in more than one way. Friday’s are one of our busiest nights AND I have to close by myself. They are going to watch Let Me In, which I hadn’t even heard of until now, but it’s suppose to be scary and rated R, so I’ll have to go see the preview. I may have seen it but just didn’t realize it.

I have to work 8:45 to 5:15 tomorrow. I love not closing but at the same time I am NOT a morning person at all…but I have to make due.

So I went to Wal-Mart with Daniel cause he just got paid (technically tomorrow but it shows up on his card early) and I was starting to tell him about how at work I’d showed Dustin and Zac (co-store mgr and asst. mgr) the cover of Cruise Travel magazine, which had the new cruise ship Carnival Dream. Dustin had decided that it was going to be our getaway when we get hit with the zombie apocalypse and as soon as I said that Daniel rolled his eyes, not joking but as if he were annoyed. I didn’t finish what I was going to say, instead I just told him to forget it and didn’t say anything else to him. What I had been in the process of telling him was that me and my other asst. mgr Bobbi had agreed that that would be awful because if there’s an outbreak on the ship, we won’t have anywhere to go. Bobbi and I agreed that we should barricade ourselves in Wal-Mart because there’s lots of food AND guns/ammo (because there is in sporting goods lol). He just made me mad that he acted like he could careless about it. And granted it’s not like it was a newsworthy subject but it was funny to me…but apparently not him.

I told my mom and she said it was because he was “jealous”. She thinks it’s because I enjoy my job and he absolutely hates his. I can’t help it if Wal-Mart is getting stupid on things…I’ve told him he should look into another job while we’re at my moms house, cause he makes over $11/hr now, and we know he won’t be able to get that starting out somewhere new. He doesn’t want to so I tell him to stop complaining about the same things over and over again.

Speaking of work. I forgot about this until now. Apparently Dustin, Bobbi, and Zac all joke around about starting a porno business lol. The other day we were standing in the back and Dustin was talking about some of the titles. One was “Star Whores” (Star Wars), and I can’t remember the others. Well Brandon, a guy we work with had came up with one for Breaking Dawn and we all busted up laughing about it. He said it’s be “Breaking Dawn’s Hymen”. Dustin said he wouldn’t act in one of the pornos, but he’d love to narrate it just so he could say “These are the voyages of the Starship Intercourse” lol. I asked him if we had some black market porno business inside Books-A-Million, he said that it wouldn’t be illegal, it’d be done all legit and it would be called “Dustin and Bobbi’s Back Door Entertainment”. LOL.

So we have some very interesting conversations at work and I guess I can’t blame him for being jealous about it, but I can’t do anything about it. Am I suppose to act like I hate work too? We seem to not have much to talk about anymore and I can’t help but wonder about us sometimes…